You saw it, right?
It all went wrong. So really, so truly, and so damn wrong.
Yes, I know. I shouldn’t be surprised that it happened this way. After all, I didn’t think about it enough.
I don’t understand. How could I have been so stupid? Goddamn, even though I knew things had gone wrong since I found out I couldn’t sleep anymore.
My mind was no longer tired when I extended my spiritual sense to my surroundings. It just made me dizzy. Not a little dizzy, I’m talking about a horrible dizzy, one where I couldn’t define what was real or fake. I don’t even remember what goes through my mind when that happens.
Contrary to what one would expect, that was not good at all… no, f***, how in the hell could it be good to stay awake all the time on this f****** site?
I lost the slight relief that sleep gave me, and if that wasn’t enough, not sleeping also meant that I wouldn’t be able to grow anymore since it’s clear that’s how this, my life, works. I feel, I sleep, I grow, and I wake up, or something like that.
However, I didn’t think about it. I avoided it. I didn’t want to worry, not when no matter how much I did it, I wouldn’t change anything.
Not only did I not worry, but I also tried to see the positive side of it. I thought that since I didn’t need to sleep when the delivery happened, I would be awake for sure, so it would be impossible for me to miss that unique opportunity.
I cheered, celebrated, and even praised myself for thinking about it.
But the problems did not end there.
As time went by, I realized something else. The delivery that I thought would happen soon did not come. Although I could not make a proper estimate of the passage of time by I was locked up there, I could allow myself to make a rough estimate, so I was sure that it had been at least a few months since I remembered my name, so…
Why? Why? Why?
I didn’t understand. The baby was clearly complete. He had his little head well formed, his two little arms, his little legs, and his chubby torso, all the same size and proportions as the babies of the Earth.
So, why not yet?
As a rational human being, I thought of some possibilities as to why this was happening. Maybe the pregnancy period in this world is different from on Earth, or perhaps my thinking speed is much faster than I expected.
Yet, it was impossible for me to only think of the good. I also thought that something could have gone wrong during the pregnancy, which delayed the delivery, or in the worst-case scenario, caused it never to happen.
It was hard to calm down. Not even immersing myself in my happiest memories helped me. Every few moments, I stopped remembering, to feel the inside of the uterus. The slightest change made me happy, but if I didn’t feel anything new after several attempts, then I became very anxious.
Fortunately, before the fear could drive me crazy, the delivery came.
Fortunately? The hell it was. I ruined it all. F***** it all up.
I didn’t care enough… no, I didn’t think about what I should have thought about. I haven’t grown up yet. I haven’t learned that not everything in life turns out as you imagine it.
I want to scream. Scream to the heavens that I’m wrong, that they’ll give me a second chance, but nothing will change even if I do… What stupid things am I thinking? I can’t even speak, much less scream.
However, did I really make a mistake…? No, I didn’t. I didn’t make a mistake. It was not my fault. It wasn’t wrong what I did.
I did what I needed to do. I did what I had to do.
In an unknown situation, in an unknown place, although I comforted myself by saying that I was no longer the same as before, that I was better, stronger, and more capable, in reality, it was still too hard to face this new life.
Ignoring potential problems was crucial to maintaining my sanity. It was not a mistake. It was inevitable.
In fact, I didn’t just ignore it. Before I ordered my thoughts, I tried hundreds, thousands of times, but I didn’t succeed. I could never do it, so, consciously, deliberately, I forgot it…
What would I have gained by always remembering it?
Nothing. Nothing at all… or maybe yes. I would have gone crazy. That’s what I would have gotten.
”…”
Don’t say s*** anymore. You know it damn well. You know it as well as I do. You can’t say I’m just running away, that I’m just ducking out of trouble as I did in my past life.
”…”
Son of a… f***… how dare you… you know it, and yet you said it… you know that I… I…
I can’t move.
I can’t now, I couldn’t before, and I couldn’t even at the time of delivery.
Hahaha… It’s funny, you know? Even then, that wasn’t the worst of it.
I remember despairing when the exit opened, but I couldn’t go to it. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what I have always done in this life.
A very bad idea. A terrible idea.
I should have calmed down to think things through calmly, not act without thinking, because that situation might never be repeated.
Of course, it is infinitely easier to think about that than to do it. Although I can remember that situation relatively calmly now, at the time it was all happening, I could not. Desperation was inevitable. I wanted to escape. No matter what, I just wanted to leave that damned place.
All that led to the fears that I had controlled were awakening quickly. I was afraid of being locked up there, but what frightened me the most was living without a body for eternity.
After all, as silly as it may seem, I still hoped to live as the protagonist of a novel. I dreamed that, after leaving there, my adventure would begin. I would get a body, create my legend and achieve everything I had always dreamed of.
However, if I couldn’t get out of there, that dream would be shattered into shreds. That hope that kept me sane would no longer exist…
”…”
Right… I forgot about it, so it’s not worth mentioning. After all, it is clear that I did the only thing I can do.
I just extended my sense toward the exit orifice.
”…”
It was clearly a stupid thing to do. Obviously, it was no doubt about it. After all, forget the dizziness that comes to me when I strain my mind.
Maybe it would have been nice to have done it calmly, but that was what I lacked at the time. I did it without hesitation, without thinking, and with all my strength.
”…”
Exactly, just as if you were trying to open a door by kicking it open. The problem is that the blow bounced back at me with more force than I expected.
At least I learned something new. The blackout or sleep, whatever you want to call it, which I thought was gone, is still there. It can still happen if I make an instant effort far beyond my capabilities.
Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do that here…
”…”
Goddamn it, f*** it. Yeah, that’s all that happened. I couldn’t get out in the end, even though I dreamt so much about that day. I couldn’t make it.
S***, I want to cry. I’ve thought things through rationally, remembered what I did, and thought about what would have been better to do, but it doesn’t change the past at all…
No, no, no. I shouldn’t think like that. A miracle could still have happened.
Well, it’s almost an absolute that I couldn’t get out. After all, I didn’t do s*** correctly. However, it’s not good to think so negatively.
”…”
How annoying you are. Of course, I know. I don’t need you to remind me.
But, even if you tell me that I should extend my damn sense to know where I am, I can’t do it. It’s hard… it hurts… I can’t…
”…”
Of course, I know I must do it, and I also know that this time I have no escape, but I am afraid.
”…”
F***, naturally, I’ll do it. It’s evident that I’ll do it, that’s for sure, but let’s do it later.
Not yet. Anyway, I have all the time in the world available… damn, I shouldn’t have thought of that.
. . . . .
I have never felt the passage of time so hard to bear. It’s ironic, no? I have no idea how much time has passed, yet I have suffered with every second of it.
It would be nice if I still had a body as I had in my previous life, but I don’t have it here. Even though I tried to distract myself by remembering nice and funny things, in the end, I couldn’t do it.
I live a life in which all I can do is think, so how can I avoid the discomfort of my soul? My inner self cries out to me to discover once and for all where I am.
Although I have tried to silence such voices, I have reached my limit.
I have no choice. I must do it. So, if I do it, let it be with strength, with determination, and without any fear!
… Even though I thought that way, my actions were contrary. Slowly, as if I were walking on a dark path in such a way, I extended my sense out of my body, and immediately after doing so, I felt the change.
… there is nothing
It may sound strange to say that there is a change in not feeling anything around me, but throughout this whole life, I always felt something when I extended out, and it wasn’t until I got the full memories that I understood what it was. Now, I don’t feel it.
I was so happy when I felt the prenatal fluid around me had disappeared. However, I forcefully controlled that emotion.
The hope just before despair is the worst way to fall. There may be another reason that causes the lack of this, so I decided to avoid getting excited. Although it is impossible to control it entirely, I will at least endure it as much as possible.
So, I continued to extend farther and farther, slow as a snail, but without stopping for an instant, without thinking about anything until I felt the limit.
Then stopping, I kept doing nothing for a while. Just remembering what I just felt. After my mind cleared, I decided to retract my sense while thinking…
‘Yes, I made it out… I’m out…’
I really wish I could cry right now.
