In a vacum, the very concept of love does not exist. What we seek is the desire to be of usefulness to others. To be accepted, to have someone else fill the void we create by being by oneself. To be rid of our incessant loneliness.
As such, we try to deceive ourselves by endorsing the idea of feelings. Those same ones offering us comfort in exchange for a lie and the abscense of freedom. To be in love is to lie to oneself, to indulge in a cycle of neverending self satisfaction, under the pretense we’re doing it for someone else.
That is why at this exact moment, I was turning her down. The same girl who was confessing to me right this instant.
Most likely she was thinking that I didnn’t accept her offer out of incomprehension and naiveté but my response only sprouted from my rejection of utterly useless matters like falling in love and going out on dates. If I ever accepted that declaration, it meant I was willing to indulge in selfsish desires.
“I think you’re not getting what i’m saying.”
The little energetic girl with a massive braid behind her head said straight to my face. Putting an emphasis on her point,looking deep inside the bottom of my soul.
Her name was Akari Amy, a five feet four girl lacking in certain departements, altough she hated when I said that. We had been friend since childhood, living in the same neighborhood. By a fortunate turn of fate, we ended up going to the same middle school, keeping our friendship alive troughout the years. As her peculiar name demonstrated, one of her relatives, in this case, her dad wasn’t from there. She had inherited her shining green eyes from him, while her brown hair were more relative to her mother.
I was afraid, paralysed, completely frozen. Unable to muster the courage to tell I wasn’t interested.
Even tough it was a lie.
A lie to myself.
She was waiting for a response to the question I had just heard two minutes ago, a straightforward sentence:
“Do you want to go out with me ?”
“I’ll repeat it, as many times as I need, Eiji.”
Alas, as I was saying earlier, this wasn’t something I could ever accept. For sure, she was cute and nice but I would never resign myself to accept the hellish nightmares that are feelings.
I had known for a while how she felt. Purposely not bringing it up in hopes that those intense emotions would erode with time.
However, as she demonstrated today, there was never a chance I could run away from the absolute facts forever.
The problem was that I didn’t want to hurt her. Face her with the hellish truth of confessions in itself, hearing the other perspective. As fragile as the human heart is, her heart, I couldn’t bear to handle it.
Tough, at this point, I had no choice.
Even so, I still didn’t understand why she chose me among the vast amount of options she had. What I offered, why I was the most important. After all, the image people have of you often isn’t reflective of your own perceptions. Consequently, it bounces back the truth like a deep lie.
I knew the answers to these questions, as she had stated them to me before but still, I refused to believe Amy.
Still, how could someone accept a feeling that doesn’t require any predetermined understanding. A sentiment that has the power to hurt others, such a vile concept.
As my head became filled with incessant toughts, Amy was still looking at me, observing without saying a word, her eyes providing more than enough information about what she inquired from me.
Even tough we were pratically sitting next to each other, I could feel a distance bewteen her and me. Close to me and yet, so far away…
Like she could leave at any moment but decided to stay here. Patiently awaiting how I would respond.
She stood firmly, closing off the distance bewteen us, our faces so close our noses were almost touching.
Observing her behavior all the more,I continued to ponder about the future that would be brought upon us if I accepted.
Fully armed with her determination, she shouted her love for all the world to hear.
” I love you! Go out with me!”
She said, firmly holding my head within her two hands.
Even though I had been hearing such bold statements for since she decided to put it all out, I was still stunned. An apparent feeling of embarassment starting to enter me.
But…
Somehow, my heart wasn’t moved, a situation I already expected to happen.
Beside, this unexplainable feeling I get when she’s close to me could only ever be born from a single truth.
She was only met with silence, as I couldn’t conform to the expectations of Amy. A sad result.
Even tough the end result she wanted was obvious , I could never ever bring myself to meet her expectations.
“…I see.”
This was the only sound I could muster after she showed her determination to me. A disappointing single sentence that wasn’t clear.
” Why aren’t you saying anything?”
Amy said, concerned by my apperent lack of reactions to her efforts.
A river flooded her face, deforming it’s features. Brushing away her good perspectives on life.
I didn’t feel a thing.
There was no way in hell she had chosen to be with someone like me, an obvious lie.
“Obviously, you don’t want to go out with me, Amy ? With all the choices you have, someone as beautiful and considerate as you wouldn’t ever dare to accept somebody as weak and pathetic.”
I took a look at both my hands, thinking those mere body parts were useless.
“The hell, stupid ?”
I could recognize the harsh tone she was charestic of, always chosing to call me out on decisions she found dumb. Her face changing from one of someone in love to someone getting irritated by the seconds. Her tiny fang that came out when she was angry getting more and more visible.
” I mean, I knew you were dumb in some ways but I never expected you to be this dumb at least.”
She clearly wasn’t holding back on the backhanded insults to my intelligence.
“What do you mean ?”
I asked, curious about why she was questionning my iq score. all of a sudden.
“It’s pretty simple, you imbecile. Even a dumbass should be able to get the proper order of things. it’s just the asnwer to this simple question: Do you like me?”
As soon as she said this, she looked straight at me, posing the palm of her hands on the bench and looking deep in my eyes.
“I don’t know.”
Looking directly at her face, it was evident she wasn’t satisfied with that answer.
” What does that even mean? Be clear, goddammit! Is it a no or a yes?”
She raised her voice, in an attempt to make me understand she wasn’t too happy with me.
” I don’t know…”
Slowly, the irritation in her face turned into a painful expression, as if she was feeling sorry for me.
” You’re not making sense! It’s either you want it or not!”
Giving up, she sighed and removed herself from the bench we were sitting on, not without leaving me with an ultimatum.
” Listen. I just want you to say something. It doesn’t even matter wether it’s a yes or no, I’m not so weak that I can’t accept a no but I will never accept your indecision !”
She lifted her fingers to reveal she was making the number ten with all of them.
“I’ll give you ten months from now, if you’re still indesicive by then, I will become your girlfriend regardless of what you say…”
How could she decide that like it had nothing to do with me ?
“What the heck, Amy ? You’re crazy !”
“And you’re a moron!”
She put out her tongue for me to see, clearly mocking me. She was still the same girl I had been friends with for years. An unfortunate fact meaning that she was serious about what she said.
” But if you find a girlfriend among those ten months, wether it comes from you or her, I promise to keep to myself and leave you two be. You and me both know that won’t happen tough.”
” Listen,Eiji. I love you…I’m really serious about this.”
The wind blew, as if responding to her determination.
She couldn’t manage to look at me while making the words come straight out of her mouth.
” I-if you still don’t even have an answer to my question by then, I’m even willing to disappear from your life …”
Even tough she had given her back to me, I could almost discern the tears she had put out from saying that.
“You can’t do that, Amy.”
“What would you do if I did ?”
She said,curious about what I would say.
“I would go search for you.”
Silence ensued.
” You’re so weird! First, you say you don’t know if you like me, then you say stuff like this ! Make up your damn mind !”
She said as she started to run as fast as she could from here, powerless.
As she finally disappeared from my visions, I couldn’t help but wonder about the predicament she put me in.
“Sorry, Amy, I don’t think i’ll be able to have an answer by that time.”
The ideas she had about me were plain false. What she liked was an image of me she has created in her own head. Not me but the image of myself she had.
Perhaps, I was just trying to not try to hurt myself or her in a futile attempt.
Perhaps, I’m nothing but an egoist, only ever thinking about himself.
The more I gave it some tought, the scarier it was that I couldn’t deny either claims.
ONE MONTH LATER
I was woken up by remembering this promise I had made, or rather that Amy decided by herself. I hadn’t seen her since the middle school end ceremony. As if she had closed herself off to me. Since what happened, we started talking less and less, the distance growing even more between us.
” That dream again. I wonder what highschool she chose to go to.”
I said, while slowly opening my eyes, greeted by the morning sun piercing trough my windows . The only piece of closes on me being my blue striped pajama.
” It’s been one month since she gave me that ultimatum, huh.”
As memories of Amy flooded my head , I couldn’t help but remember her little characteristics like how she easily became angry and her habit of calling me an idiot.
” I wonder if we’ll see each other again sometime.”
I couldn’t even fool myself efficiently, knowing it wouldn’t happen, since I still not had a clear option.
” I guess I shouldn’t think about it too hard. After all, this will be my first year of highschool. New faces, new me, as they say.”
I put on the school uniform they sent, a dark blue jacket, dark blue pants, a red tie and a white shirt. I was already feeling ready for the entrance ceremony.
Immediately as I came out of my cozy home, my phone vibrated. I took it out to verify it’s content. It was my mom.
” I passed by your new school today and saw little Amy, what a surprise. I always wondered why she wasn’t visiting the house anymore . I wanted to ask her but i was gonna be late for work. It must make you happy to know that an old friend will attend the same school. Well, see you later at home.”
–Mom
I couldn’t believe what I just saw. Fate was clearly mocking me.
” I should probably hurry.”
I said as I looked at my phone to know what hour it was.
I waited for the next bus to arrive, the next being in five minutes.
What was my surprise when I noticed the girl waiting there was one I hadn’t seen in a month time.
“Amy?”
Not noticing who she was talking to, still not processing whose voice it was, she responded while looking at her phone.
“Yes, that’s me. What do you want ?”
I could recognize that brash attitude anyday, she hadn’t changed.
“I didn’t know you chose this highschool.”
“I have a friend who wanted to go there, now stop preying into stuff that doesn’t concern you.”
As she said this, she finally lifted her had, to realise she was talking to me. Immediatly turning red on my sight.
“Eiji!?”
Trying to save her from the awkward situation, the vehicle we were waiting for arrived.
She jumped headfirst into the bus, trying to escape from any unecessary discussions.
What was her surprise when in the bus she found out there were only two seats left.
Not bothered in the slighest, I just went up and sat, taping on the other chair to suggest to her to sit.
” Such underhanded tactics for an idiot.”
She said, fake laughing, sitting next to me. Having no idea what she qualified as a underhanded tactics.
” You haven’t changed, Amy.”
” Did you want me to ?”
She said, a devious smile on her face.
” Maybe you’ll fancy me in something else ?”
She wasn’t holding back in the slightest.
” No. Not really.”
This single interaction brought back memory to both of us, making us laugh as we remembered how easy it was for us to talk to each other in the past.
She stared at her reflection on the bus window.
” Just so you know,I’m still waiting. “
” I know.”
Our discussion ended up there, chosing to not say anything else. There was still somewhat of a distance between us that made it awkard to talk like before.However, we were content with how it was for us.
After all, we had made a promise.
” Eiji?”
All she could hear was snoring noises in next to her.
” Sleeping,huh.”
She apposed her hand on his head, a slight taint of red coloring her feelings.
” You’re still so stupid.”
