Regularity – Part 3
I should simply kill the parasites.
Rip them, stab them, drown them, burn them, suffocate them, bludgeon them, eviscerate them, exsanguinate them, kill them… yes… kill them all.
Just kill and kill and kill and kill and kill- my mantra has been made.
To kill is to live. To live is to kill, is to live is to kill is to-
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A tremor, the like of which my world has never had before, echoes. I have no choice but to turn to the voice.
I have to acknowledge it, then kill it. I look behind me and there’s a woman. At least I think it’s a woman. What’s a woman? Does it bleed? I wanna see if it bleeds.
I make my way to this thing before me but it holds up a hand, and so I stop. Why am I stopping? This thing with its golden eyes infuriates me. It acts like it’s the best, like it’s something awesome.
“Eve. My Eve. I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. The damage was so much worse than I could control. So now it’s up to you Eve.”
This Raven haired woman says to someone, to whoever this “Eve” is.
That’s weird. So weird. I’m right here and she isn’t even talking to me.
“Eve, please. Please try and remember,” she says while taking steps towards me.
“Kill?” A voice leaks out of me in a guttural, primitive tone.
“Yes Eve. Kill what is happening to you. Fight it and come back to us- to me.”
She stops in front of me. I reach out my hand to rip out its throat but my hand slides through her. I try again, and again my hand goes through her. I look at the thing before me in confusion.
It shakes its head and says, “Eve, please. I have failed you. I understand that. But you have to come back to yourself. The Queen can not awaken yet. Things aren’t set well enough for what’s to come. Please Eve,” the thing wraps its arms around me tightly.
I feel a burning warmth flood through me. This thing is hot; as if on fire.
I try to squirm out but I can’t. It’s too strong. It’s burning me alive with its heat- heat that permeates through me. She’s bothering me on a deep level. I don’t know what it is about her but she’s causing my mind to light up. I don’t like it, so I thrash around as much as I can.
I want to hurt her. She deserves to be hurt. She’s hurt me, so I’ll hurt her. I squirm all I can but she’s incredibly strong.
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“Eve, please come back to me. All I’ve done would be pointless without you here. I’m trying to stay strong, I’m trying to protect the world- and you,” Raven says to me.
I stop my thrashing for a moment and look up into her golden eyes. I don’t remember them, or who this woman is, yet her eyes tell me to believe in her. I want to believe in her. Why do I want to believe in her? I just want to kill- I thought I just wanted to kill.
“Eve…” She lifts my head up, drinks deep of my eyes, and places her lips to mine.
The sensation is new and old, soft yet hard. This woman’s sadness permeates through me. Our lips are locked yet I can hear her voice calling my name over and over.
“Eve, Eve, Eve, Eve, my Eve,” echoes through my mind.
Raven’s lips are delicate- I want more. I wrap my arms around her waist and push myself further into her kiss. I push until it hurts and I push more. My teeth are digging into my lips, but I demand more of her. The pain forces her lips to part and I snake my tongue in.
I pervade her mouth and defile it with my tongue. This Raven falters from my force and starts to fall backward. I fall with her and land on top of her. I pin her under me and kiss her as if there is no tomorrow- because for me, there might not be. I can remember now, if only for a moment. I can take in this frame of time and internalize it.
I break my kiss from this woman; she opens her mouth to speak and I deny her with my lips again. If I am doomed to a hellish existence then I demand one shining moment of pleasure in this darkness. The woman places her hands on my shoulders and tries to gently force me away. I grab them roughly and pin them over her head. Her eyes go wide with shock. I keep her hands pinned roughly as she starts to struggle. I straddle her with my whole being and hold her down.
She starts to thrash and tries to knock me off but I refuse. When I break our kiss again, this Raven’s lips are red and swollen, and shining with our saliva. She looks up at me, shock still in her eyes, but her face taut in an apparent attempt to hide her unease.
“Is this what you want Eve? Is this how you need things to be in order to come back to me? If so, I offer it to you. You don’t have to take it by force.
A cruel smile flicks across my lips, and I dive down to reconnect with her. I let loose my left hand and run it up and down her body. I caress her firm stomach and make my way up to her breast. I grip them firmly and the woman winces in pain.
It’s at this, that something finally dawns on me. I’m on the verge of losing myself to all that is wrong, and hurting Rei even worse. For the first time since all of this begun, I’m able to see myself, reflected in her beautiful eyes; what looks back is a horrible creature of flesh and blood, yes, but I’m revolting and terrifying.
I don’t know how Rei can stomach contact with me. I’m no longer Eve, I am a rudimentary creature of flesh and blood- yes, but I am nightmare incarnate. My face is distorted in a hellish way, always shifting one way or another. From my eyes, drips tears of blood and from my mouth, drips a disgusting ooze. I look at my hands and see grotesque claws.
I look away, for I am wrong, yet Rei reaches up and grabs my jaw. She forces my eyes back to hers and whispers to me, “You are you, Eve, always.”
With this, she pulls me down into a kiss. It’s the gentlest kiss we’ve ever shared. Not full of lust and hate and pain- but of a comforting embrace as if offered by the sun.
I close my eyes and give into the feeling and the warmth. When I open them next, I see tears rolling down Rei’s face.
“I never doubted you would find your way back to me Eve,” she whispers in a voice that cracks. I see my image in her tears, and that which stares back, is me.
I see me, I see Evangeline Sayagawa. I see the woman who was pulled from her world, and brought to yet a stranger world. I see the woman who’s very life and being have been interlaced with the lives of strangers from a strange lands; women who’ve come to mean much to me, while I have remained nothing to them.
And through it all, I see the woman who is looking back at her- at Rei. The woman full of mystery and secrets; the woman who has apparently been protecting me for so long. At that moment I realize what is happening to me, and what I have caused and done.
“He…lp … me,” is all I can croak out.
Rei lights up brightly and gives a smile that shines. “I don’t have to save you my Eve. You’ve fought through it on your own. But I will offer you a moment more of assistance,” she says with a smile that reaches from eye to eye.
She raises up and places one more kiss on my lips before telling me bye. I try to demand answers from her, but it’s so hard to speak that the words don’t come. Rei simply shakes her head while looking up at me, “In time Eve, all things will become known. Patience my Eve, patience.”
With that, Rei starts to disappear below me. It’s not that she’s gotten up and moved, nor is it that she has faded away. No, it’s almost as if her physical existence cannot be maintained. As she turns to dust below me, I fall to the floor.
It’s only now in this moment of clarity that I am able to look around me and see where I’m at- not inside my mind, nor inside Rei’s. I don’t know where we are. It’s a desolate and horrible place of pure darkness. It’s like staring into the abyss at the end of time and feeling it start back.
Wherever I am, I should not be, nor should Rei have been. I can only pray to the world that Rei hasn’t disappeared for good- that she has merely faded from this world. I don’t want to imagine a world without Rei in it. She’s been my constant companion since everything begun and I want her to be with me until the end.
The feelings I had when we were in embrace earlier have mostly left me; as if the events happened in another lifetime. However, I can’t deny the remnants of whatever is left. Somewhere inside of me, is a small spark of life that longs for Rei. I can’t quite grasp it, but it’s there.
But what I do know is this screwed up situation is embedding itself within me and forcing things to be that cannot be, and forcing things that can be, to the wayside. Whatever that will mean in the end is unknowable, yet I think too deeply about it.
In the waking world I’m sure I’ll continue to fight it until the end; but inside this world where none exists besides the rawest of humanity, I am made aware of what Rei means to me. Whatever may come, this feeling is here, and it will help drive me forward.
I will meet Rei again, and I will thank her. Perchance, I may even kiss her. But those aren’t things for me to known now- no. There is still time- patience she said to me- and there are more pressing matters. I don’t know how, but I know I am leaving here. My existence if thinning out, I am being dragged from this hellscape and being delivered unto the real world.
I can only imagine I have Rei to thank for this; all the more reason to see her again. Until such a time, I will make right all I can for the women I am to re-meet. Those who have done so much for me. I especially will have to thank Nina- for Rei saved me in this world, Nina has no doubt saved me in that one.
With these feelings, and nothing more to hold on to, I try to remain who I am now, for the sake of who I am to become.