Chris continued on the path through the jungle. He’d killed plenty more of the cat monsters. About half of them had Skill Gems, but all of them felt incredibly niche. They were all fed to his arm, to no effect. The Assimilation ability failed to activate.
It was only when the jungle closed around him further like a humid green blanket, and the cats became progressively larger as he delved deeper within—always following the path.
Chris kept on walking, when suddenly his foot snared against the ground. He tried to pull free, but he was stuck fast. Seemingly dry and dusty, the ground beneath him rippled suddenly as hairs swum beneath and around his feet, latching on to his armored ankles.
For a moment, the ground looked like a churning sea of carmine mud, before the hairs swept forward in a wave, revealing a ruby, vegetable maw ringed with radial, inward pointing teeth. It was a carnivorous plant—a mix between a pitcher and a fly trap.
Chris was firmly tangled in the pads and hairs of one of its two jaws. He tried to pull away but the plant-flesh was unstable and threatened a fall whenever he was about to extricate himself. The jaws began turning inward, pulling away like a trapdoor, rotating down into a yawning pit of clear, undisturbed liquid. Acid.
Honestly, calling it acid was probably insulting on behalf of Slimes anywhere. And while he was uncomfortable completely claiming Slimes as the home team… well, he wasn’t on team Venus Chris Trap.
He swung his hammer against the other jaw of the plant, then realized that probably wasn’t the best idea. The weapon landed with a squelch of flying plant juice, then was latched on to fast by a tangle of hairs. Chris tugged at his weapon but almost snapped the carnivorous plant’s trap door jaws closed prematurely.
S***.
He pushed back, bracing against the plant’s closing maw, keeping an eye out for the slanting teeth that promised to lacerate him if he tried to pull himself out of its embrace once closed.
Bracing was definitely the better option. Prevent it from closing entirely.
The plant gurgled as the closure of its jaws stopped. Chris breathed a sigh of relief. He was too strong for some oversized potted plant.
There was a rustle from the bushes nearby. Leaves shifted to reveal flashes of a spotted coat.
S***.
One of the monstrous cats—a particularly large specimen—prowled out of the greenery, eyes fixed on the struggling prey between the carnivorous plant’s jaws. It licked its lips and meowed, eyeing the plant warily.
It moved forward, looking like it was about to leap at him. Then its head tilted, it meowed again, turned so its back was to him, and lifted its tail.
“No. Bad kitty,” Chris said through gritted teeth. Why? Just why? It was like there was someone out there, who just had it out for him. “Nope. So much nope.”
The cat’s head turned back, it seemed to grin as it meowed at him one more time.
“No! F*** you, cat!” He moved his shield into the defensive position, bracing against the plant as it tried to close again and again. “This is not my feti—”
He was cut off as the Devil’s firehose began to splash against his shield with a sound like… well, hurricane force cat piss hitting a shield. This better not end up on some alien porn site.
“No. No. F***. No. No,” Chris shouted. The smell hit a second later and he gagged. This was not what he signed up for. He was here to climb a tower. Not… watersports. Not getting hosed down by a cat’s golden shower.
The cat meowed, looked back at him. It shifted its footing suddenly and Chris struggled to move his shield in time. He managed to block the new target—his face—but not before getting tagged on the shoulder. S***.
“I will f****** murder you, cat! Do you hear me, cat? I will end you, and use your pelt to wipe my ass!”
The cat meowed again, and the stream intensified. Chris turned his face away. Dear god, what the f***. Why? Why?
Some malign god had it out for him. The System. This was the f****** System’s fault. If it weren’t for the damn, blasted System, he wouldn’t be in this mess right now—getting hosed down with cat urine.
Face burning and eyes watering as the barrage continued, he silently vowed to himself that no feline creature would survive his wrath. Nothing with four legs and whiskers would ever menace humanity again if he could help it. And dear god, he was going to find a way to ruin that f****** cat, if it was the last thing he did. Once the thing stopped peeing.
Tears ran down his face—from the smell or shame, he did not know. But, oh god, he was going to murder every last f****** one of the pissy kitties he saw in this god forsaken jungle. One way or another. If he had to come back as a ghost, so be it. He’d haunt every goddamn cat monster to death.
He’d read a lot of books, once upon a time. Suddenly, the concept of honor and face didn’t seem so foreign. He was going to exterminate the cat’s family line a thousand generations back in all generations. And god help any catgirls he came across—sorry, Bruce. This would not stand. This was f****** personal.
Finally the cat stopped and purred in satisfaction. Chris turned back and peeked past the shield, ducking away as the cat tried for one last parting shot.
“Motherf—”
He switched hands on his hammer, so the weapon’s handle was held in his shield hand. He plucked the Beast Soul Gem filled with Thaumic weirdness from his pocket and hurled it at the cat with all his shaking fury.
The stone clipped the monster—and a monster it was—on the hindquarters, sending it screeching forward with a leap. The cat turned to face him with an accusatory glare, as if it hadn’t just tried marking him while he’d been indisposed.
“Yeah, f*** you, cat!”
The cat seemed about to leave, then it turned malevolently toward him. It slunk forward and its paw snaked out to reach for him. Too short. It scratched at the bottom of the carnivorous plant, avoiding the sticky tendrils of its jaws.
The carnivorous plant trembled at the attack, and for a moment Chris wondered if he could get the cat to attack the plant a few more times. No. The cat didn’t seem to like that idea. Instead, it tried clawing at Chris once again, coming perilously close.
Chris’ muscles strained from pressing against the plant for so long. But vengeance was required. Suddenly his Beastblade formed in his hand.
The cat monster had overreached in its attempt to claw at him. Now it found itself hooked by the curving, khopesh-like blade of the weapon as it tried to retreat.
The cat yowled and screeched, but the weapon had caught in its pelt and the flesh and bone beneath.
“F*** you, cat.” With a victorious grin, Chris yanked on the weapon, sending the malevolent creature plummeting into the acidic pit of the carnivorous plant.
Eyes still burning, limbs trembling, Chris watched with glee as his nemesis thrashed below—its flesh slowly and painfully dissolving.
Now with clear room to think and breathe—not that he wanted to do the latter with the stench of cat pee on his shield—he began hacking at the area of plant maw surrounding his hammer. His Beastblade stuck each time, but he simply vanished it and repeated the process. Tendrils severed and he quickly freed his hammer from plant’s jaw, although strips of plant flesh and hair still adhered to the surface. Good enough.
He barely had time for his trademark catchphrase of, “Oh s***.” as now no longer being pried open by a force on both sides, the plant’s maw finally snapped shut, nearly dunking him in the acidic pool if he hadn’t had the presence the scrunch his body up at the last moment.
The cat floated below him, still struggling weakly as its flesh sizzled. Chris’ feet were still stuck to the clinging hairs. However, the sticky appendages seemed to be shriveling rapidly. Who knew how long they would hold.
He touched the walls, wanting to confirm. They were slippery as a used car salesman. No good.
He might be able to cut through them, but that would have limited use. He was probably underground, in a magical tower above the clouds—however that worked. He was dangling over an acid filled pit, already half occupied by a dying enemy.
Believe it or not. That was only the second worst part of the whole ordeal. What really topped it off was that the pit smelled of cat piss.
He’d said it before. He’d say it again. Cats were assholes.
