After the 2 unexpected visitors said their goodbyes to us, they finally took their leave. They were waving their hands at us as they walked out of the mansion. We just watched them disappear from our sight before going to the backside of the mansion, where I invited Tanya for something I really wanted to talk about.
We stood up at the center of the quadrangle that used to be an arena. She crossed her arms while staring at me, she was standing in front of me, behind her was the mansion.
“I have been trying to do it again, but no matter what I do, I couldn’t get myself transformed into it again.”
She narrowed her eyes. “To what?”
I looked around while scratching my head, the only person in the place beside me and Tanya was Misha who was watching from the tea table from afar while sipping on a cup of tea. “My Bloodlust form.”
A confused but amused smile instantly emerged on her face. “Your what?”
“Don’t look at me like that, I just thought I should give it a name. Given what feeling I felt back when I was in that form, that’s the best name I came up with, for me at least.”
I remember back then when I transformed, I felt an irresistible desire for death, the only thing I wanted to do was to kill everyone who was not my ally. Pretty f*** up and terrifying form to be honest, but at least I could still differentiate allies and enemies and I had full control of my own body and mind, even though my desire to kill people was incredibly overwhelming and extremely hard to resist. Fortunately, I didn’t end up hurting any of my allies.
“Right. So, you want to learn how to transform into your… Bloodlust form?” She released her crossed arms. “I am afraid that I can’t help you with that, due to the fact that I don’t even know how it works.”
I put my hands on my waists. “Really?”
She nodded. “Ca-… my former meruem friend only transformed once back when we were together, and that was the last time I saw her.”
I put my hand on my chin. “Was that the first time she transformed?”
“No. She was awakened when I first met her. Although, not even once she had told me how the people of your tribe’s transformation work. All I know is, once a meruem spreads its wings, calamity will follow.”
I nodded. “I see. So my very first transformation is called awakening. Of course, obviously.” I slapped my own forehead. “Maybe it has some kind of trigger to activate.”
“Perhaps that’s the case.”
I closed my eyes for a few seconds before opening them again while raising my index finger. “I have an idea.” I stared directly into her eyes. “How about… you call me a monster?”
As if the entire world turned awkwardly silent the moment she heard what I just said, the great astonishment was visible in her eyes as she looked up at me with her slightly opened mouth. “Do you want me to call you what?” She covered her mouth with her 3 fingers but the teasing smile on her lips was completely visible. “Oh my, Casimir. I didn’t know that you were into that kind of thing.”
“No. I don’t.” I said while dead ass staring at her. “It just, it was the word that triggered me at that time. Maybe that’s the phrase I need.”
“If you say so.” She put her hand down and nodded. As she looked up again, her teasing smile was replaced with pure seriousness. “What if you really transformed and chose to fly out and go on a rampage in the very first kingdom you’ve found?”
“That’s why you are here, you can stop me before I could even flap my wings. You are both strong and have no problem beating the s*** out of me if you have to. So I have no worries.”
She chuckled.
Did I say something funny?
For a few seconds, she remained silent while looking down. As she raised her face, she expressed a gentle smile and looked directly into my eyes. “Casimir… you are a monster.”
For a few seconds, we remained staring at each other before I finally broke the silence and exhaled. “I felt nothing. Would you mind doing it again? But this time try to make it sound like you’re mocking me… looking at me with disgust may or may not help… uhm… it’s just a suggestion though.”
For some reason, I heard a sigh of relief coming from her as she smiled at me. “Sure, I will do it again. However, I would suggest that you should not enjoy it a little bit too much.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Please don’t rub it in. I don’t even like what is happening right now.”
She looked up at me and showed me the most discouraging disgusted face that I had ever seen in my entire life. She looked directly into my eyes while staring at me like I was some kind of stinky poop. “Casimir… you are a monster.”
A few seconds of staring at each other passed again. I closed my eyes while clicking my tongue. “Honestly, rather than making me angry, it just turned me on instead- but not because I’m into that s***. I’m telling you, I am not.”
“Of course.” She chuckled.
However, her chuckle was full of relief that I could clearly hear as I watched her.
“I see. So it’s not it. Then, how can I do it again?”
“Casimir, may I ask. Were you really enraged at that time?”
I paused for a few seconds. “Now that I think about it, I wasn’t actually angry. I just straight-up wanted to slaughter them all for no particular reason.”
Tanya slowly nodded “Based on what I know, meruems would only awaken when they finally embraced who they are. Maybe before, you had an aspect of yourself that you really feared or despised. But now, You have finally accepted that aspect of yours as part of you and became your own strength.” She walked back toward the mansion and I followed her. “That’s why you can no longer trigger it anymore… because that specific aspect of you is no longer part of your insecurities. At least that’s what I think.”
“Ah… that’s probably the reason.”
“Don’t think too much about it, you don’t need that Bloodlust form anyway… and I don’t think you ever will.” She looked back at me with an assuring smile on her face. “You are better off without it.”
“I see.”
