Sarah paced back and forth on the ramp as she strove to keep her bubbling anger from rising up. Though she put a brave face on it, she was still scared. Scared of this battle, scared of what the Colony was attempting to achieve, scared of being so high up on a ramp with no rails and scared of herself. The battle against the golgari back at the nest had taught her a lot about herself, about the kind of person she’d been when she first arrived in the Dungeon and the kind of person she was now.
Most importantly, she’d come to acknowledge that her fear was the source of her anger, not a by-product of it. Her rage was a reaction to how scared and hesitant she had been when she’d arrived in this world as a little cub, newly formed in the first stratum and forced to fight for her survival from the very first minute of her creation. It was strange how those memories remained so fresh, even now, decades later, she could still remember the terror she’d experienced during her first fight. A rat-toad had found her not five minutes after spawning, as she’d still been stumbling about the tunnel trying to understand how to move with her new legs, shocked and confused about what had happened to her and desperate to understand where she was.
They were ambush predators, the rat-toad, and this one had been holding onto the roof waiting for prey to wander under it, which she had foolishly done. If it hadn’t been for her tough hide she might have been done for then and there. As it was, she lost a chunk out of her shoulder before she knew she was under attack, the sudden pain flooding her system with adrenaline as she’d lashed out in a panic. Luck more than anything else had kept her alive through that battle, and the fear that had bloomed in her heart at that time had never left her, even to this day.
And it never would. She was coming to accept that now, after so long. She wasn’t like Anthony, who’d somehow embraced his new life with an innocent glee that she could never hope to replicate. She didn’t belong here, in this place, in this world, but she was trapped with no way out. So all she could do was learn to control her fear, to experience it without letting it control her. Once she achieved that, once she had it within her grasp, then she would also control the rage.
It was there inside her now, churning away in a constant feedback loop that kept it moving, kept it growing. Rather than shy away, she leaned into it, allowed herself to feel it, to acknowledge it and in that way, slow it down without letting it die. It wasn’t time yet. Soon, but not yet.
The air around her boiled with explosions, ice, curses and lightning as the Colony and demons waged a magic battle even as thousands of ants continued to labour on the ramp, extending it now only with earth magic, manipulating the stone with their minds from a distance rather than risk precious carvers stepping into the firing line where they couldn’t protect themselves. There was nothing she could do to help at this point, nothing at all, so she paced. Paced and focused inside.
[Come and get it you morons! Eat fireball! Wait… fireballs probably suck against these guys… Eat ice-explosion! Hah!]A constant stream of chatter came from Anthony who appeared to be having the time of his life running back and forth on the very edge of the ramp, stepping forward every time it grew as much as a centimetre and flinging spells directly into the faces of the demons. He never seemed to run out of energy, probably a mutation or organ, not that she was going to pry, she had other things to focus on.
Every minute that passed the firestorm of magic grew more intense, spiking the fear within Sarah ever higher as she managed its rise. She wasn’t even aware of it as she paced back and forth, but a low growl had begun to resonate in her throat, vibrating through the air and growing in volume all the time. As the ramp crept closer and closer to the lip of the plate, her rage grew ever more intense, a red filter fell over her vision as the Asura within began to beat with the thumping rhythm of her anger.
It was a familiar feeling, one she had lived in fear of for so long she almost couldn’t remember a time that she didn’t, but now she did not shun it, she sought instead to ride it. Her growl rose and rose and she rose with it, riding high on a wave of boiling rage that sought to drive her consciousness away from her body but she allowed it to buffet her without relinquishing control.
The moment the ramp finally drew close enough, she felt herself roar, unleashing her bottled emotions in one air shattering bellow before she dashed, rushing toward the edge and leaping off it. It was a bizarre feeling, as if she were a passenger within her own body, but unlike the previous times this had happened she wasn’t banished to a little corner of her own mind, a locked box where she hid herself away, instead it was as if she clung to the back of a bucking bull, except that the bull was also her.
Within a mighty crash, she landed on to the plate right in the face of a mighty horde of demons who immediately turned their ire on her. She was lashed with flame and fangs but the pain only strengthened her further. The Asura bear was engine and rage was the fuel it burned, the more they attacked, the more she swelled with power until her fangs and paws leaked red energy that intimidated all around her. A thud she heard only distantly told her that Tiny had joined her, leaping across the gap with his wings to aid him and landing amongst the demons around her with a devastating blow. With the space he had bought her she leaped forward, claws flashing, jaws snapping and the enemies around her rose to meet her challenge.
She was amongst it then, battling hard against the monsters in front of her, the growl in her throat having grown to a never ending roar and at this point it became too hard to hold on. At last the bull had its way and she was flung off, falling down into the dim corner that she knew so well.
Even as her control slipped, she still felt a momentary surge of triumph. She had held on longer than she ever had before, and with a little luck, this time she might just come back faster as well. If she kept trying, perhaps the day would come when she was finally the one in command of herself.
