“Is everything okay?”, Astrea asked as I got myself to bed.
We already got used to being together and sleeping together. We were already part of each other’s routine and were recognizing little by little our small habits. She no longer asked me if I needed help getting to bed. She said I was too stubborn, but she understood. Back with my family, they would never pay much attention to me, especially after I came back from war. Hence, I had to adapt and learn how to do everything by myself. And, under the eyes of pity all the servants gave me, I couldn’t do much but react trying my best to prove I was not an invalid. Astrea never looked at me like that: when we trained, she treated me as a master; when she introduced me to someone, she talked proudly. But I still felt so far from her.
“It’s nothing. Don’t worry”. No matter how well she treated me, I still felt as a hindrance and an embarrassment.
“Why do you always say that? You know that saying don’t worry only makes people worry even more? If you don’t want me to worry, just say what’s making you look like a lost puppy.”
The way she was always straightforward about everything made her someone easy to talk to, even about private matters. That helped us to grow close even in such a short time. I laid in the bed next to her and put my head on her lap. This was something I strangely got comfortable with doing promptly. Although my injury was already over two years old, there were days in which the pain in my back grew insufferable. She would lay me in bed and massage my back and legs with medicinal oils and creams. After that, she would place my head in her lap and caress my hair. One day, the pain was even stronger, and I passed out with tears in my eyes in the library. She carried me to our room and cared for me until I woke up. I felt like a child throwing a tantrum, but when I opened my eyes, with my head in her lap, I realized she was crying too.
“Why are you crying?”, I asked her, still half-asleep. I tried to dry her tears, but as soon as my hand touched her cheek, she held it between her own hands and let her tears roll free.
“No one should ever suffer alone. Imagine if I didn’t go to the library, how long you would have stayed there, alone. When you are not feeling well, you must tell me. No matter if it’s just a small inconvenience, I want to know. You need to learn that you are not alone. If something like this happens again, I swear I’ll kill you”. As she threatened me, she held my hand stronger. I couldn’t refrain myself from smiling. We barely knew each other, and everything was rushed. However, I felt close to her in a way I never expected from anyone.
“What are you thinking about?”, she drove my attention back to the present.
“That you are right. I should tell you things”.
“Great. That means I won’t have to treat you like a kid next time. You are a grown up: communicate your feelings!”.
“Okay”. I laughed.
“Then why were you sad today?”
“I think I felt… envy. Those people, they treat you like family”.
“Yeah… I’ve known them since I was like seven or so”.
“That sounds nice”.
“I wasn’t close to my biological family, and auntie likes to travel a lot. We would always stay with her friends, and their families. I spent more time with them than with my father and siblings. And since I was young, they always took care of me. But that made them forever treat me like a child”.
“That means you know a lot and care about each other”.
“That’s what you’re envious about? Because we have a close relation, and they know a lot about me?”
“Possibly. My family and I were also distant, and I don’t miss them. If I must think about it, the close to that filial relationship that I had was back in the military”.
“Well… I think we have many things we don’t know about each other. And that makes sense, because we’ve known each other for such a short time. I can understand your feeling, because things went too fast, and it feels like a long time has passed since this all started. However, it was just a little over a month ago that we met. So much happened in this short time…”
“Yeah”.
Just hours after we met, we got married. That should have been a lot already, but sleeping together, having sex, living together, and making plans. And having a kid together. That was going to impact us for the rest of our lives. When we made our plans, we thought about it and decided to make a bet upon it. And after, while talking to Countess Kovač, we decided we should take the opportunity and act toward it. Still, the idea sounded like a dream, not a reality.
“She’s probably a little over a month pregnant”, the doctor said when he checked Astrea the other day. That meant she got pregnant on one of our first tries. When he said that, neither I nor Astrea said anything. We were shocked and could only send the doctor away without asking for anything else.
Later, during dinner, we told Sybil. She already guessed the situation, but when we told her that Astrea was probably over a month pregnant, she laughed at us and called us “rabbits”. I probably turned red after hearing that; Astrea was also blushing. After hearing my family constant blabbering about how I was not a man anymore, part of me believed and gave up on ever building a family. Consequently, I was still thinking this was some dream or something like it. In my mind, this could never be real.
When we were going to sleep, Astrea asked me if she could lie on my lap. I was already laying on bed, so I sat and put a pillow on my lap to make it more comfortable for her. When she laid down, she grabbed my hand and held it close.
“I’m scared”, she said.
“I think I’m a little bit too. It’s good to be scared. It would be strange if you weren’t”.
“Thanks”.
“You said to tell you when something is hurting. You should tell me too”.
“I know. It’s just that… I don’t know what I’m feeling exactly. I’m supposed to be happy, but my mind is filled with apprehension. Many things already happened; but what we want to do may throw this country into total chaos. It’s not like I didn’t know that. I had to know”.
“But now it all seems real, right?”
“Yes. And we are dragging a kid into this world and using them to fulfill our agenda. Won’t that turn us into our parents? Never considering anyone except us?” Tears were waiting in her eyes, ready to burst. I dried them and kissed her gently.
“The fact that you are asking me all this already makes you different. This child hasn’t even been born and you are already thinking about her well-being. You want this child to be happy and cared for; that she grows up in a world that is safer. That is much more than my family ever did. During my childhood, I was always in classes. I don’t remember a single moment when my parents asked me if I was well, or if I wanted to do what I was doing. I went to the military at eleven years old, because it was better than where they wanted to send me. I was never allowed to be a kid, and I knew it. I enlisted in the military to have a sense of security, of home. My colleagues became my only family. The base was my home; the weapons my toys. I would never let a kid go through what I did. And neither would you. That already makes us better than our parents”.
“The bar is really low”. She laughed.
“Yes. So, we shall raise it for the parents that come next”.
“We will”.
She didn’t ask me about my war stories, or even my colleagues. Every time I mentioned something, she listened attentively. I guess she knew how that hurt me, so she refrained from asking questions and was instead waiting for me to tell them when I was ready. I appreciated that, her patience and respect.
That night, we slept hugging each other. We would usually wake up early to train, but we decided to sleep in. For the next days, we would only study magic and strategy. She offered to be my legs, what was a sweet way of saying she would support me and protect me while I was a general. But our country didn’t normally allow women in the army; we would have to do our best to convince them that she was useful and worthy of her position. The initial plan was to train her until she mastered the techniques I developed. She was even better than I expected, and her training was developing well. However, now everything has changed. The new objective was protecting the child and guarantee that she developed well, and that her mother stayed healthy.
Now, when I look at her, I think she is the one I should protect and keep by my side. That for them, her and our children, and our future together, I have gained a new reason to live and improve. Some part of me tells me it’s not right to enjoy this and that I should keep worrying; but another tells me to enjoy it and to allow myself to feel happy about our little moments, like the present one.
“Can I ask you something?”, I asked caressing her hair and tugging it behind her ears.
“I guess”.
“I know we promised to support one another in our future pursuits, and that I will help you to keep the freedom you had before. Perhaps what I’m going to ask is a little selfish, but I wish to know not only the you of now. I want to know all the you-versions that was and that would ever be. From the moment we first talk, I’ve found you fascinating and wanted to keep our conversation going ad aeternum. I know that is impossible, and even the thought is ridiculous. Nevertheless, I still wish to know more. For you to tell me about your travels; about how you were as a kid; about how you hated stupid things and loved some childish stuff. And I want to share the moments we have forward”.
“I don’t think that is selfish. But if it were, I would like to be selfish too. So that you would tell me even the things you wish to forget. Because the person I see in front of me is magnificent, lovable and caring. You know I’ve been keeping myself from asking for more, I didn’t think I had the right. However, now that you asked for it, I will do it too. There are things that still hurt you, and scars that are deeper than any physical ones. And I know there are things you’ll never be able to tell me. I’m ready to wait for the right moment, even if it never comes. If you know that I’m here if you ever want to share it”. As she said that, she kissed me gently on the lips and hugged me. We stayed like this for a while. Later, we talked about some other things in our day. Those moments were so precious and came together so naturally.
When she first saw my scars, that covered the great part of my torso and arms, she didn’t say anything. But when she saw how I reacted to it, with a bit of shame and fear, she kissed them. I always thought those were ugly parts that made me remember the bad times, the pain and sorrow, all my losses and all blood and death. People in power tend to forget that behind an army, are people. And they get hurt, they bleed and die; and the ones left must deal with this and keep fighting. And even the enemy is not made of mindless monsters, but people like the ones you vowed to protect. And these people also have families, lovers and dreams. When you get back from war, you must deal with all those feelings, mostly alone. And a great number of the ones who enlist were kids like me, some even younger. So many died before they even get to puberty, and more before hitting adulthood. That was the life I had until now. But I no longer want to feel trapped in my bad memories.
“Astri”, I called to check if she was awake. She was laying close to me and opened her eyes slightly.
“Hmm”.
“When we first slept together, I was scared of waking you up at night”.
“Why?”
“I used to wake up screaming occasionally. It is better lately. I feel safe when I’m with you”.
When I said that, she hugged me tight, her head on my chest.
“Thank you for telling me”.
“Thank you for listening”.
***
On the morning next, we started the preparations to receive the Conwenna and Laukkanen families. Astrea’s oldest brother, Llewelyn Conwenna, was considered the duke’s legitimate heir. However, based on what she told me, and the information collected by Sybil, the internal affairs were a mess. The duke had multiple children with various women, and many of them wanted to take part in the inheritance dispute. They were doing their best to suppress the illegitimate kids, but they were on the verge of failure. The duchy has been in decline for the last decades, a reflex of the poor administration. The battle for the title and the scandals related to the poor morals of the family could lead them to bankruptcy. Nevertheless, they still have many lands and are responsible for the farming in some of the most fertile areas in the continent. They are also the owners of many vineyards, that, unfortunately, had been poorly managed and hadn’t produced well in the last harvests.
Her sister also married a great family member, the Marquis of Laukkanen. Their relationship is a rare kind: they married for love and are purely dedicated to each other. Six years ago, they gave birth to their first child, Bowen, a beautiful kid that is already considered the next leader after his father, Rikkard. They also have a little girl, Frey, who just turned four.
The Laukkanen have tight relations to their people and to the counts of Falk and Järvinen. And, since the royal family tends to disregard their support, it would probably be easier to bring them to our side.
As we drank tea and read in the study, I saw how Astrea’s gaze was lost on the horizon. She pretended to read, but she was stuck in the same page for a quarter of hour.
“Is everything okay? Do you need any help with your reading?”, I asked.
“No, I’m just a little concerned. Anguished. I proposed we invite them here, but I have my doubts now. I can’t even remember the last time I saw my siblings. Cerys disappeared eight years ago, before she eloped. Since then, we have only exchanged letters, never talking face to face. I understood why she did it, and never blamed her. We share the need to get away from the toxicity of our broken family. But Llewlyn is different. The two of us were always distant, and he is the only one among all father’s children who he cared for. Although care is a little bit of a stretch, he at least acknowledged him and treated him as his son. All because he is the heir in his eyes. I don’t know how it’ll be when we get together. He may be too much like father, and this might be a lost meeting. I think it’s that”.
“Family is complicated, nobles’ families are even more. My brothers never talk to me, and the royal’s only care about males with great mana. My father didn’t even care to name my sisters, or me, because we were not deemed satisfactory when we were born. I don’t know if my relationship with them will ever heal. Maybe my sisters, because they had a similar situation. But my brothers have always been distant, and never even considered me as family. Although I feel like I should try and give you some advice, be it because I’m older or because I’m your husband, I don’t have any comforting words. I can only tell you to wait and see. Maybe things are better than you expect, and maybe those problems can be easily solved. But that’s all I have: a bunch of maybes”.
“At the moment, I think maybe is enough reassuring. There is nothing much I can ask about except that tiny possibility”. As she said that she got up and stand beside me, hugged me and kissed me gently. “Thank you for being here. Just be with me when they arrive too, and that will be enough. I don’t want to face them alone”.
“You won’t”.
Every day that passed, I cared more about her. I can’t exactly explain why, it just came naturally. How I wanted to stay by her side, to support her when she wanted me to, and to protect her any way I could. That precious light brought should not get hurt and shall never be limited. I must give her everything she needs to shine even brighter.
I remember the day her aunt came to talk to me. She invited me to the office for a cup of tea. When I arrived, there were many strange books on the table, some were so old it looked like they would come undone at any moment. They were a wedding gift, she said. But those were all rarities, not found even in the best libraries. How could she have them and who was she really to have access to such unique books. I wasn’t sure about it and my head was filled with questions about who she might be. Nevertheless, I concluded that, for the moment at least, I should just enjoy those precious gifts.
“Those are all rare and advanced defense techniques. Our country normally studies attack and healing magic”. I alerted.
“Yes, that’s why I shall give you this. Astrea is extremely hot-headed, and, from what I heard, so is the prince. That may be complicated in the future, if both of you jump into battle without thinking. Hence, I believe this is the perfect present for you, although I can’t force you to study or train. However, I trust you will be smart in your decision”.
“I thank you for these, and I promise to make good use of them”.
Defense magic is harder to master than attack and healing. For one, it’s not practical in the battlefield, because it takes a long time to cast. Basic defenses can be employed, but they are mostly reaction-oriented techniques or counterattack. Preemptive measures, like long-lasting shields or traps, demand a constant use of mana and a highly skilled magician. Many would end up without any mana and damage the body using this kind of magic. Although there are many cons to using it, the spells described in the books I received would be incredibly efficient and could change the battlefield completely. There was a reason those tomes were rare: many were from far away countries and described techniques unknown in this continent; others were long-lost magic, that many thought were legends. As I dove into my studies, I got even more curious about Miss Shalhevet, and wondered how lucky my wife was to be taught by such an amazing master.
We were lying in bed, Astrea sleeping at my side, as I remembered this. I imagined how she was as a kid and how she grew up to be such an amazing woman. If I had someone like her in my squad, I would have treasured them as a precious asset. She was a highly talented magician and proficient in multiple weapons, although her sword and arrow were still her best abilities; multilingual and well-traveled, she has friends all around the globe. She said that was all because of auntie, but no one can go this far without talent and hard work. From early morning, she dedicates herself to study or training. That is not to say anything about her nature: a warm, gentle girl, who will treat everyone equally and who can see someone’s true self, beyond any physical limitation.
As I thought that, I realized I got too close to her, my hands stroking her hair. Her aura drew me to her every time and made me want to treasure her and hold her tight. I hope our child can inherit that from her.
As I observed her, the sound of something knocking on the window interrupted us. Astrea didn’t wake, so I got in the chair and approached the glass, moving the curtains to the side. Outside, a golden owl tried to get in. It hit the window again, this time the sound was louder.
“What was that?”, Astrea woke up, scared.
“Some bird is making a mess, trying to get in”. I pointed out the bird in the window. When she saw the animal outside, her face changed, and a smile appeared.
“Let it in!” She said and got a knife that she kept on the bedside table.
“Are you going to kill it?”
“No! Why? Just open the window!”
I decided to trust her and let it in but was surprised that as I did this my wife cut her finger and exposed it to the bird, which flew straight to her. In front of me the bird changed from an owl to a nightingale and drank from the cut in Astrea’s hand. At that moment I realized what creature that was.
“Aurea fidelis”, I said looking at the splendorous creature in front of me. The Gold-faced bird, or Aurea fidelis, is a rare creature. There used to be more, but they were hunted down almost to extinction. Its feathers shine like gold and are coveted for its beauty. But the creature is also known as a savage beast, that will change form constantly to hunt and hide, transforming in any bird it has seen before. They feed of mana from other creatures and drink their blood to collect it. Wild and skittish, normal people would run away upon meeting them. Nevertheless, now one was sitting on my wife’s hand drinking her blood.
“What a cute one!”, she exclaimed.
“That is a vicious beast! What are you doing?”
The creature was wearing a beautiful jewel necklace, and when Astrea touched it, a letter appeared. So, the creature was a messenger bird. It was not rare to train birds for that, but it was my first time seeing this species being used as a carrier.
“It’s a letter from my friend. I didn’t think I would receive one so soon”.
“A friend that sends messages through beasts?”
“Yeah”, she laughed, “She trains various animals, but specializes in magic beasts. Gold-faced birds are useful as messengers: they can find anyone if they know the scent of their blood. I don’t know the specifics of how this works, but when you receive a message, they ask for a pint of blood to recognize the correct recipient, otherwise they’ll attack”.
“So that’s what this is”, I pointed to the cut on her finger, and she nodded. “Alright. And what does the letter say?”
“Ah”, she remembered the letter and asked me to turn on the light for her to read it. “Wa Yuexi and Naade Kayode’s caravan is coming to the country. They’ll be here in three days, and they are asking for a place to rest. They heard from some friends that I got married and are bringing presents. They are asking if you’re a good husband and if they can camp on the land”.
All the time she was reading the letter, she was giggling. I don’t know what motivated it, but before I could question her, she went outside and asked the maids to call Sybil and her aunt.
“Aren’t you going to explain anything?”, I said following her.
“Oh! Sorry”. She said and looked at me with that cute expression of a kid who caused trouble. “I got so excited that I forgot everything else”.
“And?”, I asked as she lost herself in thought again looking at the bird.
“Well, they couldn’t have come in a better time. Yuexi and Naade are specialist in taming animals and researching herbs, respectively. All members of their caravan are well trained in their fields and renowned worldwide. They have traveled through all the continents and have a diverse knowledge of not only animals, but plants and agricultural techniques. I thought about inviting them, but since they are always traveling, I presumed I wouldn’t have the chance so soon. Luckily, I was wrong.”
She was so excited that it was hard to convince her to sleep. I had to remember her multiple times that she was pregnant and that she had to take better care of herself. Even after she laid to sleep, I had to keep her from getting up again and to ask the maid to get her a tea to calm her down. Thruthley speaking, I wanted to laugh at her childish behavior, but I had to keep a straight face and convince her to sleep.
The next day, her sister arrived. Their trip took five and a half days, and they were expected to stay for at least four weeks. Their group were composed of the couple, Cerys Conwenna and Rikkard Laukkanen, their son, Bowen Laukkanen, their daughter Frey, Cerys’ lady-in-waiting, Elin Falk, five maids, three butlers, two knights and three esquires. Even though they had their own entourage, we selected a few of our own servants to pay attention to them especially. It was not only as a sign of respect, but a strategic positioning that could greatly impact our future endeavors.
After our marriage, we started to draw a plan and select our allies. We had to gather supporters fast, to keep my brother from seizing the crown and to turn the tide in our favor. Most of the high nobles have already positioned themselves in favor of my brother, and the others are not open to supporting a newcomer. The Laukkanen family was always disdained by the rest of the nobility, along with the rest of the north-east nobles, who are considered as savages. The fact that Astrea’s sister was married to the head of the family made it even more opportune to negotiate with them.
However, we had to both offer them some benefit in allying with us and find ways to engross the power of the Laukkanen. Hence, we sent a letter to the Amin family as soon as possible and marked a date for their visit. Since their arrival, they have given intensive training to a select group and improved their natural abilities in horsemanship and horse care. The objective is not only to provide space for a fructiferous exchange of techniques, but to open a commercial path of negotiation between North and South of Glæma and between Glæma and the Shah Empire. For decades the country was extremely protectionist and focused on the internal market, that is now saturated, limiting the growth of enterprises. On the other hand, the Shah Empire is thriving and expanding in the international scenery. It has multiple export contracts and a well-developed industry in various areas. Based on that, we can trace the importance of such a relationship.
Our welcoming was brief and formal, as if we were complete strangers, and they went direct to their quarters. When they arrived, Marquis Laukkanen was hugging his son tightly, the kid comfortable and secure in his embrace. His wife was holding his hand, another kid in her arms, and although she looked exhausted from her travel, she still held his hand tightly. For a few moments, I felt jealous, wondering if my life could be like that one day.
